Islamic Heaven: Invitation Only

“Will you be my honey up there?” Monir, my friendly neighborhood convenient store clerk, asks as he points to the ceiling. How do I tell him I won’t fuck him on a roof?

Oh. The virgins. In the heaven. Oh, of course I’ve read the Qu’ran and pamphlets you gave me. OF COURSE. Will I be your “honey” in heaven? Like…Islamic I-get-virgins heaven? Uhm, sure. I’ll move in with you and we’ll set up a sweet pad. In the heaven I’m not allowed in. Great.

Mom, in case you’re reading this, there’s still hope for me getting into heaven. Even if it’s by invitation only.