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How to Score an Apartment in 4 Easy Steps

May 18, 2009

1) BE FEMALE

Having worked for a property management company and rented a few places myself, experience tells me that your landlord will more than likely be male. So, obviously, being female is an advantage. Not only does it allow you to trick them by employing your feminine wiles, it also creates a fairly pleasant first impression. Men usually create boundaries with one another, but with women, they let their guard down. This is foolish on their part, but quite useful on ours. With their guard down, they’re more open to giving you an opportunity to rent from them. HOWEVER, don’t use your powers for evil, ladies. Be nice to the boys. It isn’t fair to prey on them and nobody likes a bitch.

2) Have a steady job.

No matter how cute you are, no landlord will rent to you if they don’t think you can pay up (unless they’re expecting a nice piece of ass to make up for it and, in that case, you tried too hard. BE CAREFUL.). Having a steady job will be the icing on the cake if you’ve already weaseled your way into their affection.

3) Dress up, have fun, and flirt a little.

Finding an apartment is A LOT like looking for a job. First impressions are everything. Your landlord is going to see YOU before he sees your application. You can never be overdressed. Of course, if you’re from Jersey, you might want to avoid apartment hunting altogether and just STAY IN JERSEY. Kthx. Flirting is fine as long as it’s HARMLESS. If you’re trying to rent a nice place, chances are your landlord doesn’t want to fuck you. So keep your eyelashes in check, don’t stand too close, and DON’T TOUCH HIM. This isn’t a date or a casting call. If you’re paying a man to live in a house, having sex with him makes you a bad businesswoman AND a bad hooker. You’ve just purchased yourself a pimp, my dear. Congratulations.

4) MENTION PIE.

If you didn’t have the time (or skill) to make a pie, LIE. Men love women who bake and the prospect that a pie might be sent their way is MORE THAN ENOUGH to make them overlook your shitty credit score. If you think I’m kidding, try it.

In the end, you’ve got to play to your strengths (my strengths being high heels, harmless flirting, and pie). A landlord will rent to you if he or she wishes to. Sometimes, there are better applicants and that’s just something you’ve got to live with. As a female, it’s easy to get power hungry and become a predator. AT ALL COSTS AVOID THIS. Landlords appreciate tenants who are genuine, pay their rent on time, and are pleasant to interact with. Be approachable, be yourself, and be honest. If you have shitty credit, admit it. If you’re going to be late on rent, LET THEM KNOW. Honesty really IS the best policy. I’ve never had trouble with a landlord I was honest with, even when he was getting the bum end of the deal.

Last year, I signed a 1-year lease on the loveliest apartment I have ever seen. This morning, my sister and I scored our dream house. Why? Because these are my rules and I follow them.

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